I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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