it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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