I wish I only lived at night.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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