Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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