remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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