I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
