ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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