Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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