My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
