My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
