Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
