Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
