i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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