wrigley field is MILF paradise
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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