my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
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I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
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he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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