He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
