apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
