My hand turned me down
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
