Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
