I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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