The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
