The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
