Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
