can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I touched a dick in church today
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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