We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
