i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
