I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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