can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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