It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
