I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
