She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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