remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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