Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize