Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
