I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
