I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
