You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Let's get the cat blown out
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
