Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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