He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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