Heybabeimwearingurpanties
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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