there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
