You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
