sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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