I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
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I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
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I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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