you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
