we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
don't judge my taste in strippers
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I wear drunk well.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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