before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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