4 words: hood of his car
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
