don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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