plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
