Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
