Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
