Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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