hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
