oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
