I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
