Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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