Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
