Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
