i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
